


If It Makes You Happy

by Berytni



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, First Everything, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, I won't lie it gets a little steamy, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Road Trips, Romantic Comedy, Season 21, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25151698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berytni/pseuds/Berytni
Summary: Rollins reluctantly plans on driving to Atlanta for her father's third wedding, but when her plus one cancels last minute, she catches Carisi staying late and he agrees to go with her instead. He's cautious, not wanting to get his hopes up, but it's always been about timing.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 7
Kudos: 77





	If It Makes You Happy

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the Rollisi wedding novella. This is set in the future after where they left season 21. I liked this better as one piece opposed to chapters, but I added some line breaks where appropriate. Enjoy!

Sitting at her desk, alone on a Friday night, Rollins tossed her cell phone across the flat surface covered in paperwork and case files. She could have left half an hour ago, but got caught up in a heated conversation with the guy she had been seeing. Getting off the clock marked the dreaded weekend of her father’s third wedding, and her plus one pulled out. They broke it off altogether, not that the relationship was very serious, but Rollins banked on having a date to survive the weekend in Georgia. Her dad wore her down and she reluctantly agreed to go under strict boundaries and conditions. She declined twice. The last time she saw her father was when her sister invited him to New York, he overdosed, and abandoned her and Kim once again. She should have known that any other man she’d try and count on would leave her in the dust too.

Rollins heard the click-clack of leather oxfords and she turned her head. ADA Carisi walked in the squad room with his briefcase in his hand, almost ready to go home. He was surprised to see anyone still hanging around, let alone Amanda by herself.

“What are you still doing here?” She solemnly asked as he approached her desk.

“Droppin’ off something for Liv,” Carisi said, holding up a file in his other hand. “You?”

Rollins sat back in her chair. “I got dumped.”

“Oh, uh, I’m sorry.” He was only sorry to see her hurt, not that he’d suddenly have a chance.

“He was kinda a tool,” she said, scrunching her face. “I don’t think I told you but, my dad is getting married this weekend, and he was gonna be my date.”

“You mentioned it.”

There was an awkward silence between them.

“I gotta-”

She waved him on. “Yeah, right, go.”

Carisi gave her a small smile before turning towards his old boss’ office. Lieutenant Benson wasn’t there, so he walked in, put the file on her desk, and walked out. He shut the door quietly and looked over at his old partner. She stared down at her desk with her head in her hands. Maybe it was time they finally got that drink or three.

She heard him approach again and got a wild idea. “Carisi?” She groaned, her face still down towards her desk. She sat up and her hands plopped on the hard surface. “What are you doing this weekend?”

He could feel his face heat up. “Oh, Rollins, I don’t think that’s-”

“What, you have something else better to do? Come on, drive down to Georgia with me. Three day weekend, open bar...have you ever even left New York?”

“Italy.”

“That’s not Atlanta,” she said, putting on the southern charm. “Don’t make me beg, councilor. I’m desperate here.”

Carisi had become a more rational man since joining the DA’s office. It wasn’t a good idea, but he hated to see her anything but happy, even if he sacrificed himself time and time again for a woman who didn’t return his feelings. He closed his eyes and sighed.

“What are you wearing?”

“What?”

“Your dress,” he said, spinning his hand like it clarified his answer more than his words. “What color is it?”

“Blue.” She bit her lip and looked at him up through her eyelashes.

“Alright. I can do that.”

Rollins missed her partner. They were good friends, admittedly a couple of times almost more than that, but their relationship changed when he left SVU. The nature of his new job caused them to butt heads, but she still deeply cared about him. As she watched him come into his own in the DA’s office, the separation even made her see him in a new light. She coped with outbursts of anger, but he never stopped being there for her as they drifted apart. Maybe the three days would be a good reset with no cases, no bosses, and no politics - just two people who could never get it right.

____________________________________

Rollins texted Carisi when she parked outside his apartment building. The morning sun was starting to cover the city from behind the skyscrapers and despite the mild spring days, the air was chilly. It was early, just about the time she’d be getting ready for work. They’d be spending more time in the car than a night's rest, but Rollins liked road trips. If the circumstances were different she’d be more excited.

When she saw her old partner, Rollins unlocked the doors from inside the car. He put a duffel bag and a garment bag in the back before taking the passenger seat next to her. She watched him buckle his seatbelt and then pat his knees in anticipation.

“Thanks, Sonny, for doing this,” she said, looking over her shoulder at him.

His hands stilled. “Sure thing.”

“Last chance to back out.”

“Nah, I could never.”

“Because I’m thinking about it.”

“Drive, Rollins,” he laughed.

She grinned and pulled into the New York City street to follow the long path to Atlanta. Once they exited the Lincoln Tunnel and lost the traffic of the city, Rollins turned up the radio, put her sunglasses on, and opened her window. The rush of wind in her hair gave her the crazy idea that the weekend would turn out okay. Carisi watched her smile with her teeth and her joy was contagious. As he watched the city get smaller in the side mirror, the romanticism of the open road overcame him and he was happy to be her last resort.

Except for the radio, they mostly drove in silence after the rush of leaving home wore off. They agreed on one of those stations that played a mix of current music and throwbacks, the ones that take you back to a moment after years of not hearing it.

“Why’d we never work out?” Carisi asked, looking out his window, hearing one of those songs. They were somewhere in Virginia. He didn’t know it, but he changed the course of their entire trip just by asking what he had always wanted to know.

She was a little shocked at his boldness. He could have meant just as partners, or why they hadn’t spent time together outside of work since he joined the DA’s office, but she knew it was something else. "You know we have eight more hours together in this car, right?” 

“Oh, come on, I’m good.” It was complicated. “Tell me.”

“Uh, I don’t know, Sonny,” she said, pushing her hair back with one hand, keeping the other on the wheel. “Timing?”

It wasn’t the answer he was expecting, and it would have been different if he asked months ago. He finally dared to turn his neck and stop staring out the window. “Timing, huh?”

“Stop,” she said, keeping her eyes on the road while fighting back a smile.

It was the easiest answer she could give him. Carisi wasn’t her type at all, but it’s not like she never thought about it - especially after Jesse was born and he spent all of those nights on the couch helping her. A little family. After he left for the DA’s office and she played a married couple with Sergeant Khaldun, she realized her entire backstory was about her old partner. Carisi never stopped his life for her, but the feelings were always there. What he didn’t know was that he was closest to a chance that night Rollins came into his office after the Sir. Toby trial.

After another hour into Virginia, close to Richmond, Rollins stopped for gas and they would also switch driving responsibilities. Carisi left the car to get two bottles of water. He looked back and squinted at the pump number as Rollins stood with her back to him, watching cars pass on the highway. When the tank was full, she got a thank you message on the screen. She raised her sunglasses, confused.

“Got you some water.”

“Did you…?”

“Oh yeah, that too.”

“You didn’t need to do that,” she scolded. He was so annoyingly nice. She dragged him across the country and there he was filling her tank.

“I wanted to. Here,” he said, passing her a water. She shook her head before bumping him in the chest with the end of her water bottle and circled to the passenger seat. It was code for “thank you”.

Being almost half a foot taller than the car’s owner, it took a couple of minutes for Carisi to adjust the seat and mirrors. Rollins buckled her seatbelt and watched him. He was so patient and kind. She could help but wonder if he tasted as sweet and if she could live with that. He always told her that she deserved to be taken care of, and he was the only man that did despite her reservations.

Carisi caught her eyes as he started the car and did a double-take. He grinned at her and switched the gear to what he thought was reverse. Rollins wasn’t paying attention either. She just tilted her head and softly sighed. He brought his hand to the back of her headrest to look behind them as his foot touched the gas. Instead of backing out of their spot, the car shot forward a foot, almost hitting the vehicle in front of them. By reflex, her hand shot out and gripped the top of his thigh. Carisi stared forward with wide eyes, both hands on the wheel and a foot hard on the brake.

“God, Sonny, I don’t want to go but I want to make it there alive.”

“I...I’m sorry...I don’t know what happened.”

She took a long, deep breath. “Okay...it’s fine. We’re fine.”

For a moment, they sat there in silence. Once the shock of almost crashing Rollin’s car wore off, he noticed her hand on his leg. He wouldn’t have minded if her nails weren’t digging in through his jeans so close to his groin. Carisi did a cough in his throat and bounced his leg to bring her back. She looked down and quickly brought her hand back to her lap.

“I’m still good to drive?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m tired.”

Carisi successfully backed the car up in the gas station lot and merged on the highway without further incident. Once flowing with the traffic of the road, Rollins looked over at him. She’d never seen him drive so by the book, he was normally very comfortable behind the wheel. She tried to hold back laughter but started cracking up thinking about how they almost crashed because he couldn’t take his eyes off her. A smile broke on his face and he started to relax as he joined her fit of giggles. He glanced at her for a second to see how happy she was. This was a terrible idea.

Once they were about an hour away from Atlanta, Rollins took back the driver's seat. It was dark before they made it to the city. The wedding itself would take place at a church, but the reception would be held at a hotel where there was a block reserved for out of town guests. Rollins got one of those rooms. There was a higher chance of running into her family, but with the amount of alcohol she’d need to consume, she figured it was for the best. She still only had that one room booked. Rollins didn’t think about it until they got to the hotel.

“Afraid you’re stuck with me,” she said, after checking in. She handed him the extra key. “There’s a futon in the room, we can switch nights.”

Carisi was quickly reminded that he was her second choice. She planned on sharing that room, that bed, with someone else. He had almost forgotten they were just friends and he was doing her a favor.

Once upstairs, Rollins put her suitcase down right away, sat down on the bed, and laid back. She was exhausted from the drive. He chuckled at her dramatics and hung up his suit.

“What now, Georgia?” He asked, sitting down next to her on the same side of the bed, but leaving a few feet between them. She let “Georgia” slide, which should have told him everything he needed to know.

“This,” she said, picking up her head.

“You don’t want to go out? Get a drink, show off your old city?”

“Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know...If you didn’t live in New York with me, we’d take the ferry in, go to that place on Carmine St. in Greenwich Village for a slice. Stuff like that.”

“I’m proud to be from here, but there’s no sentimentality for me. Not anymore.”

She looked sad. He unintentionally opened a box he shouldn’t have, and for one of the few times in his life, he knew to stop talking. Instead, he laid his back down to be parallel with her. She kept her gaze at the ceiling and he looked on at her with his cheek against the bed.

“My Dad was an addict and he beat my Mom, so when I was old enough I moved 30 miles to the city to get a degree, and I became a cop so no one could ever treat me like that.” Her voice started to break. “But then someone did.”

Carisi knew most of this. He started at SVU not long before Rollins testified against her former captain, but it had been a long time since she had been that vulnerable with him. He just laid next to her, hands folded on his stomach, but he would have gladly held her.

“I’m glad it’s you,” Rollins said, turning her head to face him. Her eyes were watery, but nothing had made it down her cheeks. She didn’t have to justify herself or explain anything. He just knew. “Sonny, I’m glad you’re here.”

He blinked slowly and his mouth curved slightly. “We’re gonna have a great time tomorrow, ‘Manda. I’ll make sure of it.”

____________________________________

In the morning, Carisi was the first one up. His back hurt, but he’d probably volunteer to sleep on the futon again. He was careful to not wake Amanda as he showered, got dressed, and left the room to get them both some coffee. She slept through most of it until she heard the door open. Once awake, she laid in bed and scrolled through her phone until he came back about ten minutes later.

“Coffee?”

He sat down on the bed by her feet and handed out a styrofoam cup from the hotel. Rollins sat up and created a tent with her knees as she accepted the beverage. She took a sip. It was bitter, weak, and kind of awful, but she was glad to have it.

“I thought about what you said last night,” she said, looking into the ridges on the top of the styrofoam lid. “Let’s get some breakfast. We’ll drive around Atlanta.”

“It’s okay, Rollins, really.”

“No, I want to. Wedding’s at 2:00 p.m. we have time.”

It was her show, so he nodded and let her get dressed. Rollins got ready quickly, saving the fuss for later. Carisi opened the door for her and they headed towards the lobby. It had been too long since she had a good southern breakfast. She was more excited than she'd like to admit. They shared a glance, walking past the front desk and he put his hand on her back. He was her safety net, proud of her for branching out and thrilled she wanted to share her past with him.

“Mandy, is that really you?”

Rollins stopped dead in her tracks. They were so close to the door. So close. She turned around and watched her father walk towards them with a beaming smile. It would have been near impossible to completely avoid interacting with her dad on his wedding day, but she planned on trying.

“I wouldn’t believe it ‘till I saw it, you declined me twice after all. Welcome back to Atlanta, baby.”

“Hi, Daddy. This is Sonny, we work together.”

“Well, thanks for coming. Both of y’all. It’s a shame your police friends couldn’t get Kimmy out of prison. I know she really wanted to make it. Probably would have agreed to be in the bridal party too and brought little Mason.”

“I can still leave.”

“Don’t do that now. You came all the way here. Enjoy yourself for once. Wait 'till you meet your new step-mama.”

“Sure. We gotta go, Daddy, I’ll see you later.”

Rollins took Carisi by the arm and walked him out the door. He finally understood. Watching Amanda and her father interact put together pieces for him that she could have never told him with words. He could feel her blood boil by the way she stormed through the parking lot and got straight into the car. She hung on to her steering wheel before punching it.

“I get it now. I’m sorry,” he confided.

“Yeah, thanks,” she said, rubbing her hand.

“Mandy, huh?”

“Don’t.”

She drove to a famous breakfast spot in the city, nothing too fancy, just good cooking. It was about a step and a half above your standard diner. Rollins remained quiet and grumpy until she watched the Staten Island alien she brought to the South try and order. It was like when she opened her mouth in New York and people would remark how far away from home she was with her little Georgia twang. She thought he was kinda cute so out of place, but Carisi was just glad she was smiling again.

After breakfast, as promised, Rollins drove around Atlanta. It was a beautiful city, just not to her anymore. She was an awful tour guide, but Carisi asked enough questions to satisfy his curiosity. When they passed by the Georgia Aquarium, Rollins missed her daughters, knowing how much they’d love seeing the fish as much as she did as a kid. She thought about how the man next to her would probably pick up little Jesse for a better look and carry her once she got tired if they all went together. He made it so simple for her. She had always just been the stubborn missing piece.

When they returned to the hotel, Rollins jumped in the shower. She let herself enjoy getting dressed up once she was able to move past the fact it was for her father’s third wedding. No matter how dysfunctional her family was, and how he hurt her, it still got to her. Especially how his new bride was young enough to be her sister. She thought about her daughters and how if she were ever to get married, it likely wouldn’t be to either of their fathers, even though Al Pollack had tried.

“Do you think about getting married, Sonny?”

Lounging across the real bed, Carisi looked up from his phone. Rollins walked out of the bathroom in a white robe with her clothes under her arm. She was patting her hair dry with a towel. Either she was too comfortable as friends or she was trying to kill him.

“Uh, well...yeah, I’d like to. One day.”

“It just seems so complicated. All of this fuss, and who knows if it will last.”

“It doesn't have to be,” he said, sitting up. “My parents have been married for 40 years. They had my sisters and me, and have been as in love as the day they met.”

“Our families could not be any more different,” she said as she dug through her suitcase. “At this point, my family is Liv, Finn, my girls, and well, you.”

“See, doesn’t have to be complicated,” he said, quietly off the top of his head.

“What?”

“Uh, I said, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good to know, counselor.”

She grabbed what she needed from her suitcase and flashed a smile at him before disappearing back into the bathroom. Carisi couldn’t tell what was going on inside her head. Something felt different like she was setting traps for him. She was. Rollins was trying to gauge how he still felt about her and if their time had passed. He played it cool, but his actions said otherwise.

Carisi started getting ready half an hour before they agreed to leave for the church. He wore suits all the time, but he brought one of his favorites - navy blue, slim cut, Italian. It made him look especially tall and he hadn’t lost a case in it yet. As he buttoned his jacket over a white button-down shirt and a black tie, Rollins emerged from the bathroom fully dressed for the evening. Who was he kidding, he was still in love with her.

“Wow.”

“Yeah?”

“What’s-his-name’s really missed out.”

“Thanks, Sonny.”

He wanted to say she was beautiful. Looking at her, he wanted to do a lot of things. Still barefoot, she walked across the room to meet him in front of the bed. Her dress was a darker blue than his suit and it hugged her straight until just above her knees. The thin straps showed off her delicate collar bones and the bullet wound scar from the sniper, years before Carisi joined SVU. She reached up to straighten his tie, and her fingers lingered a little too long on the smooth black knot around his neck. She didn’t make it any tighter, but he forgot how to breathe as her gaze shifted up.

“We, uh, should get going,” Rollins said, pulling back her hands before she got carried away.

“Yeah,” he exhaled.

Rollins put on her shoes. She was closer to his height now, but he remained the tallest. Looking at him, she questioned how she could have invited anyone else, even though she’d seen him in that suit a dozen times.

In the car, Carisi wanted to talk about the tie situation, but there was nothing to talk about. He wasn’t about to jeopardize their friendship right before her father’s wedding. His luck, he got it all wrong.

“If you cry in there, you’re walking home tomorrow,” Rollins said, parking down the street from the church.

“Hey, I've only cried at two weddings," he defended, then realizing she was joking and had no way of knowing that. "Uh, those are good odds there are about five Carisi weddings every spring."

The church was immaculate, a brown and white castle with stained glass. Rollins and Carisi walked in together, but she lost him a couple of steps back. He had returned the greeting of the usher, took a program, and dipped his fingers in holy water. Rollins looked back and watched him do the sign of the cross and bend slightly at the knee; an actual angel sent down to make her look bad. She thought about how he wanted to be a priest and how much his faith meant to him. Carisi caught up with her and extended his elbow out to walk her down the church pews, and she gladly took it.

There were more people than Rollins expected. The church was about a quarter full, which still said a lot. Her father was already upon the altar. She could have been there with him in the bridal party that would soon come down the aisle, but she declined. One of her boundaries. Rollins was also asked if Jesse and Billie could be flower girls, which was an even harder no.

The ceremony started, and everyone stood for the bride. It wasn’t her Momma, but Rollins still showed respect - a courtesy many in the room had never shown her. Her father chose a new young wife to start a new family when he abandoned theirs years ago. He didn’t deserve this happiness. She didn’t even have this happiness. She could have cried about it if it wouldn’t have been mistaken for joy. Once seated again, she sunk into the pew. Carisi protectively put his arm around the back of the wooden bench behind her shoulders. Maybe she could have this happiness. She could have had it long ago.

There was a new Mrs. Rollins. It was her first marriage, the only reason for the beautiful ceremony and an expensive reception venue. The worst part was over, but it still felt heavy and strange in the moment. Her life back home in New York would be otherwise unaffected by her new, younger than her, step-mother.

“You alright, ‘Manda?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I will be.” She took Carisi’s arm before he had a chance to offer it. He liked that.

They walked back up the church as they came. Rollins extended her arm to allow him slack to return to the holy water, almost sliding her hand into his. He was by her side as he did the sign of the cross once more, and they stepped outside. At the top of the church steps, they stopped. Other guests were dispersed, and she looked up at him. The late afternoon sun caught the not yet dissolved water on his forehead, and she fell in love a little bit with the godfather of her children.

“What?” He asked, looking down at her with a grin. Her hand was still around his bicep.

“Nothing,” she said, looking away. “Come on, I dare you to drink me under the table.”

Rollins pulled her old bar buddy down the church steps. She only let him go when they reached the car, and then she drove them back to the hotel. There were signs to direct guests for the Rollins wedding reception. Seeing her name made her feel more exiled than part of the family, but the arrows at least led to a cocktail hour.

“The bartender asked if I guest-starred on “The Sopranos”,” Carisi said, putting down two drinks on their high top table.

She snorted. “No one said that.”

He smiled behind his glass, tilting his head with raised eyebrows. Rollins had looked so miserable standing at their tabletop, but she was just trying to avoid looking friendly enough for someone to approach. She appreciated his effort in making sure she was having fun. Rollins leaned back against the table and took a deep drink from her glass.

“You’re far too good-looking to be a guest star.”

He choked on his drink and coughed twice to clear his throat. Rollins pursed her lips and shifted her eyes away from him, trying not to laugh.

“Stronger drinks down here,” he said, placing his glass down and patting his mouth with a cocktail napkin before checking his shirt.

“Uh-huh.”

She’d have to be careful what she said during dinner.

When the reception space opened, Rollins took their table assignments and tore the one for her original guest. She wanted it to be a signifier that he never mattered, but instead, Carisi lost some of his confidence in the whole “timing” thing. He slowed down on the hard stuff to prevent his hopes from getting up, but he still got drunk on something else every time she put her hand on his forearm while laughing.

The hard stuff was the only thing that got Rollins through the first dance and dinner. It wasn’t Carisi's father kissing his third wife every time the crowd clinked forks against their glasses, so she forgave him for falling behind. The band was at least good. Songs you’d hear at every wedding with a mix of old rock and country, it was the South after all. Most of the people at their table left to mingle or dance.

“Come to the bar with me,” she said, standing up and stepping out between their chairs. Her fingertips grazed his shoulder and drew a line to the back of his neck. His head turned before his body followed her.

“What trip are you on, now?” He asked, chuckling as he pushed in his chair.

She put her hand on her hip in objection, before taking the lead. “The ex-cop. Policing me.”

“No one sees me as a prosecutor anyways.”

“It took a while, but I do,” she said, looking up at him. “I see you differently now, Sonny.”

Maybe he’d switch back to the hard stuff. She meant it in more ways than one. Standing at the back of the bar line, she thought about telling him exactly how.

“Miss. Mandy Rollins? Is that you? Lord knows, dumplin’, the last time we saw ya.”

She turned back around to see her father’s sister. Aunt Mary Jean if she cared to keep track of semantics. She was a stout woman unlike her brother, who's addictions left him lean. 

“Hi...Aunt Jeanie.”

“I owe some people money with your debut,” she said. Rollins flinched. “This tall glass of water must be your new boyfriend. My brother says you’re a single mother of two, now? ”

Carisi didn’t know this woman but he already didn’t like her. Unpleasantness seemed to run in the family. Except for Amanda. It was like nothing she could do was right as they all celebrated a man who beat his first wife and abandoned his kids. He thought about the case he could have put together in another life and it made him furious.

“Actually-”

She was stopped when Carisi came around her and looped his left arm tightly around her waist, pulling her into his hip.

“That’s me. Dominick Carisi Jr. Boyfriend. Call me Sonny,” he said, extending his other arm out for a handshake. Rollins watched in horror.

“Well you sure ain’t from around here, but I know a gentleman when I see one.”

“I....yep,” Rollins squeaked.

“Born and raised in Staten Island. I’m an assistant district attorney in Manhattan.” He wanted to be her status symbol.

“Don’t let this one go, Shug, those babies need a father.”

He face shifted. “Ya wouldn’t know...but, Amanda here’s a great motha’ on her own,” he said with grip, the Staten Island overpowering the Manhattan. The middle-aged southern woman was taken back. Rollins stayed silent, Carisi stood his ground, and the aunt shrunk.

“Well then...y’all seem...sweet. My husband’s probably looking for me. Good to see ya, Amanda.”

Carisi kept his arm around her and he felt a sense of pride. She kept smiling and watched her aunt disappear into the crowd before pushing his arm away discreetly.

“Do they really let you practice law, or are you just legally insane?” Rollins hissed.

“Come on, I couldn’t just stand there.”

“I can handle my family, I don’t need you to come save me.”

“Amanda, I-”

“God, and the way they talk around here, I’m going to be six weeks pregnant with twins and you’ll be my ex-husband by the end of the night.”

“Twins, huh?” He tried to make light of it all, but she put her hands up, took a deep breath, and closed her eyes.

“ _Carisi_.” Making a scene wouldn’t do her any good, but she would have let him have it at work. “I need some air. Don’t follow me.”

He watched her leave. When Amanda was out of sight, he hung his head, put his hands in his pockets, and sighed. He thought they’d be able to laugh about pretending to be a couple, and she’d appreciate someone being on her side. Maybe it would have forced them to talk about what they’ve avoided for years. She’d let him kiss her and she’d finally get it. Carisi threw the sliver of the possibility of any of that happening out the window. People had walked around them for the line to the bar, but it was empty now. He walked up alone and ordered his first solo drink.

“Strongest thing you can give me.”

Rollins stomped through the front of the hotel, not knowing any other way to get outside. It was mostly dark out. Coming here was a bad idea. Everything about her father’s wedding had been eating at her the whole time, and it all became too much. She walked down the sidewalk and sat on the curb overlooking the parking lot. This was the real reason she and Carisi never worked out. He was too noble and kindness to her always felt like an attack on her ability to take care of herself. Rollins hugged her shins and rested her head on her knees.

After nursing a mystery drink alone for a handful of songs, Carisi decided to find Rollins, even if it risked her being more furious with him. He exchanged his glass for two domestic bottles of beer, and tucked them into his jacket. The hotel was large so he had no idea where she could have gone, but she wanted air, so he felt outside was a good start. 

There she was, under a street light, sitting on the sidewalk. As he approached her, Rollins picked up her head but stayed hunched over.

“We never made it to the bar,” he said, taking a bottle from the concealment of his jacket and placing it next to her on the ground. “Wanted to bring you somethin’.”

“Thanks.”

She wasn’t telling him to leave, but he wasn’t gonna push it. Carisi took a drink from the other bottle, standing over her. He looked up at the sky. It was more clear than New York, and he could see little shimmers of stars.

“Sit with me?”

He looked down. She had taken the bottle and held it in front of her with two hands. Carisi stepped over the curb and adjusted his pants to make the long crouch down. They sat without words for a while, watching the light traffic of the hotel and taking swigs of the carbonated liquid.

“I’m sorry, ‘Manda,” he said, finishing his beer. “That wasn’t my place.”

“No, it wasn’t, but you’ve always had my back. I appreciate that.” He was a hell of a partner.

“You’re bigger than all of this. You deserve so much better.”

“Can’t choose your blood.”

“No, you can’t, but I’ve got this big family, right, and they’re not all saints. I’ve got folks who never thought I could be a lawyer...that I’m not smart enough, or too goofy, but you know what’s the best way to stick it to people like that?”

She didn’t say anything but nodded him on.

“Don’t let 'em see you sweat. Live and be happy.”

Rollins searched for the last sip. He thought long and hard about what to say next.

“Now...I know you’re annoyed with me, and I can’t really dance, but let’s put on a show in there. Show ‘em all how happy you are.”

Her face softened. “Are you really asking me to dance?”

“Yeah. I guess I am.”

“Oh, what the hell.”

Carisi smiled and pushed back against the sidewalk to stand up. He reached out a hand to help her up. They took care of the empty bottles in a trash can outside as they walked back into the hotel. A lot of people were up and about in the event space. If no one else talked to her, Rollins was willing to start over and call the night a success. Carisi did a little wave with his arms as they walked through the room to the beat of the song, and she could have keeled over laughing. What a terrible idea.

When they got to the dance floor, the band changed songs. Something slow with piano and a little guitar twang. They both hesitated.

“Uh, we can sit this one out. You know, if you want to,” he said, nervously.

She grinned and stepped up closer to him, putting her left hand on his shoulder, “I’m good.” Her eyes sparkled from the disco ball above.

Carisi kept a conservative distance from her as he molded one hand over her hip and met her other hand to the side. Their first steps were awkward, but they found a rhythm and swayed to the beat in a counterclockwise circle. Sonny wasn’t a terrible dancer, he was actually perfect. It was as good of a time as any.

In a single motion, she stretched up to kiss him once. He couldn’t have stopped his big smile if he tried. She was a little relieved at his reaction and watched him comprehend what just happened.

“Was that part of the show?” Carisi asked, just loud enough for her to hear, his heart ready to beat out of his chest as he kept dancing with her.

“No, Sonny, that was real.”

“Well, then, let’s give ‘em something to remember, huh?” He said, adjusting his stance and moving both of his hands to hold her face. The top of his spine curved to fall completely into her and Rollins wrapped her arms around his back, eliminating the modest space between them as their lips met. It was a different kiss than she was used to, gentle but firm, confident and all about her. The way his lower lip brushed against hers told her how long he’d been waiting, and her warm tongue behind his teeth made him feel wanted.

They lost track of time and space. The kiss was longer than either had expected but it didn’t outlast the song they started dancing to. Carisi kept his face close for a moment and they exchanged breathy shy laughs as they looked at each other. She felt his thumbs stroke the tops of her cheekbones.

“God, you’re beautiful. Not just tonight. Always.”

Rollins couldn't object because she was speechless. Out of all the times he said the wrong thing, he got that one just right. His fingertips traced her body to return to her waist, keeping her against his chest, and he took her hand again for the lead. They had stopped dancing. It was the first time he had ever held Amanda that long without her tears. She was smiling.

The band thanked the crowd and announced they were taking a break. It was like the whole world aligned to put them together for those three minutes and forty-five sections. Music from a stereo came on to fill the silence, but they held onto each other for a little longer.

“A couple drinks more and then come upstairs with me?” Rollins asked.

Carisi wasn’t sure what that entitled, but he agreed to it anyways. She took him by the hand instead of the arm, and they walked through the crowd like the night was to celebrate them. Rollins was no longer pouring them back to forget, but she was a terrible instigator when drinking for joy. Her buzz from earlier made her more susceptible to getting drunk. Carisi didn’t keep track of anything, he just lived in the moment with her because it was so easy when she couldn’t keep her hands off him.

Leaving the reception was a blur. They galavanted like teenagers through the hotel up to the room, laughing with fingers intertwined. Neither could have legally operated a vehicle, but Rollins was good at hiding the fact she was far more intoxicated. Outside their hotel room, he remembered being in a similar spot with her before - leather jackets, crisp night air, and a cheap motel. So many things have changed, but all he could focus on was how she pulled him inside.

He made sure the door shut and he bolted it. Rollins dragged a hand across his torso as she passed by and he suddenly felt nervous. It was nothing the liquid courage in his veins could have eased. She was swaying from her now bare feet. He met her in the middle of the room and she looked up at him, even smaller without her heels, as she unbuttoned his jacket. She slipped her thumbs under the lapels to push the blue fabric over his shoulders.

“You’re sure?” He softly asked, his voice low.

“Show me what I’ve been missing, Dominick.”

He nodded and slid off his jacket for her, tossing it over the back of a chair. Next was his watch as she undid his tie. Rollins stepped up and put her hands on his hips where the navy and crisp white met on his slender frame. He loosened up the buttons around his neck three down before engulfing her in his arms for a kiss she was more familiar with. Like their first dance, they spun counterclockwise towards the bed, and Rollins landed on her back. Twenty-four hours ago she had been in the same spot, nearly in tears.

She reached up to finish unbuttoning his shirt. She had a hard time focusing on dexterity as her dress naturally slid up her thighs with him in-between them. He had so many layers on. When they stopped kissing for a second for him to slide out of his button-down, Carisi got lost in his head. This is everything he ever wanted and a lot was riding on this drunken haze.

“What?” She cooed, running a hand through the longest part of his hair in the front.

“Nothing...I...can I have a minute?”

She frowned. “You don’t want me.”

“Oh, _Bella_ , no. No, no. God. No, that’s not it.”

“ _Bell-a_ , huh?" She giggled, elongating the foreign word mockingly and squirming underneath him. 

She was flawless. Carisi crawled back off the bed, planting a kiss on her stomach and each of her bare thighs. Once on the ground, he shimmied off his already unbuttoned shirt, leaving just an undershirt. He took a step towards the bathroom. “I’ll be right back...don’t...go anywhere.”

He turned on the light in the bathroom but didn’t close the door. His hair had become unkempt and his face was flushed. He felt mismatched with the white T-shirt half-tucked into his suit bottoms which, since getting upstairs, felt a half size too small. Carisi was woozy and worried he wouldn’t be good enough. Tonight, tomorrow, onward. Suddenly he was. He braced himself on the sink counter, stared himself in the mirror, and thought about the last day and all of the signs that it wasn’t just the alcohol that made her say his name so longingly. The woman of his dreams was lying there waiting, he needed to stop thinking.

As he returned to the main part of the hotel room, he pulled his shirt over his head and was ready to let his instincts take over again. However, Rollins was motionless on the bed. Her head was rested to one side, her eyes were closed, and her chest rose and fell deeply. Realizing she was asleep, Carisi wondered how long he had actually been in there. They both had a lot to drink, but he hadn't grasped how far gone she was, and with that, it was for the best.

“Hey, ‘Manda?” He said, rubbing her shoulder.

“Huh? There you are. C’mere.”

“I think it’s time for bed,” he said, sitting next to her.

He still had the thin white T-shirt crumpled in his hands. Rollins slowly sat up placed her hands on his bare shoulder and back.

“You’re not scrawny at all, Sonny.”

He hung his head and laughed, remembering his childhood coming up at work. “Thanks.”

“You’re kinda gorgeous.” She was drunk, but it was all genuine.

“Alright. Bedtime. Come on.”

He stood up and reached out his hand. Rollins crossed her arms.

“You just passed out. It’s not right. I’m a little drunk too but-”

“Too good for me.”

“No one deserves anything less, you know that,” he said, crouching down to be eye level with her. “But, I really care about you. I’ve thought about this for years, it’s not easy.”

“Years?”

“Yeah,” he nervously chuckled, slightly embarrassed. “Years.”

“Okay, Dom.”

Carisi smiled at his new nickname and kissed her forehead. He helped her with the back zipper of her dress, which she nonchalantly shed and let drop to the floor before crawling under the white comforter. She really was perfect. Rollins settled into the bed and he turned off all but one light before circling to his side of the room. She had her eyes on him but they were way past crossing boundaries so he reunited his pants with his jacket on the chair. The futon creaked as he sat on the parallel edge that faced the bed. He rested his elbows on his knees, looking at her and the space between them.

“Do you need an invitation?”

“What? No, I just thought…”

“You said it’s bedtime. Come to bed.”

Her reasoning was impeccable. Truthfully, Rollins trusted him more than she trusted herself in the moment, but she still wanted to be close to him. Carisi stood up just enough to cross the ditch between the futon and the bed. He flipped up the corner of the comforter, crawling under it, before reaching to turn off the final light. The bed was already warm. He got comfortable and faced her in the dark. Her eyes became heavy again. Rollins reached out and touched his sandpaper jaw.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“For what?”

“Everything. I had a great time, Sonny.”

He smiled and took her hand in his, bringing her knuckles to his lips and leaving a single, lingering kiss. The last thing she remembered before falling back asleep was his face snuggled up against her hand, the bump on the bridge of his nose nestled into her delicate fingers. Patient. Kind. Hers.

**____________________________________**

In a hotel in the heart of Atlanta, Carisi had a dream. He traveled there with his old detective partner who he had pined over for most of their careers together. Amanda had always been an enigma, but in a moment of courage on a dance floor surrounded by people she’d rather forget, there was clarity. She touched him with desire before and after they made it back to the room he fell asleep in. It was Monday. When he woke up, the only thing that made him believe it all happened was that she was laying right beside him.

He wanted to say she was a graceful sleeper, but she was sprawled out, her hair was a tangled mess, and mascara had flaked onto her cheeks. Even so, he gathered his pillow in his arms and watched her rest, hoping when she woke up, she had the same dream. It didn't even matter that they hadn't slept together. His expectations were already exceeded. He would have been in his office by then, going over case files and preparing for a week in court. It was a much better morning spent.

As the room became brighter, Rollins gradually woke up. The sun was too willing after a night with an open bar, even though it was distilled beautifully through the curtains. She was groggy. Carisi had since elevated his neck, an arm behind his head as he clicked through notifications on his phone. He returned it to the nightstand and turned his head to face her. Rollins had the covers bunched up by her face and she looked up at him from her side. The sun hurt her eyes but she couldn’t stop looking in his direction.

“Sonny...did we...?”

Rollins tired to connect the dots from after the wedding reception. Her head was filled with sleep, and the effects from a night of drinking. She sounded neutral about it, but his heart sank anyways.

“No. No, well, uh, almost,” he quietly said, looking away and closing his eyes as he felt his face heat up. “You passed out, fell asleep, somethin’.”

“Hmmm.”

It came back to her. The heat of it all, her hunger for him, and how he took care of her. She studied his face. He seemed sad, but not over how their night ended. It was like her question was a rejection of sorts. Old habits die hard.

“Can we?”

Carisi gulped. A laugh escaped her mouth and she smiled wide. Her eyes were devilish and inviting, squinting with bliss. She watched the gears turn in his head, but he didn’t need to be asked twice. She was relieved. Without looking away, he pivoted on his elbow to fall into her, moving aside the excess blankets keeping them apart. Rollins softly sighed with her voice, moving with him, and cupped his face as one of his knees landed between her thighs.

He was an act of rebellion against herself, a home instead of a wrecking ball. There were two hours until check-out. Sober as day, she brought his face closer and kissed him. He’d do anything to make Amanda happy. Right then, it was him, and there were no sacrifices. It took 900 miles to get the timing right, and she kept many secrets from her time in Atlanta, but Dominick Carisi Jr. wouldn’t be one of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> (If anyone wants to cry with me, the song in my head they danced to was “Wanted” by Hunter Hayes)


End file.
